Transformers - The Art of Crack
by The Art of Crack
Summary: The title says it all. Pure crack and nothing more. Decepticon-centric, but Autobots will appear from time to time. Please R&R and don't be to strict with us - English isn't our native language.
1. Africa

**Africa**

**Starts after Revenge Of The Fallen**

Banishment was boring.

Africa was boring.

Zebras everywhere, but those couldn't be scared. They were too stupid for being scared. Actually the whole place looked like the stuff the squishies called cat toilets. They once had a cat at their base. Barricade had brought the brute. Then it was suddenly gone. Megatron still didn't know what happened to it. The only thing he knew was that his leg itched sometimes since then.

He could just hope that Starscream would show up soon.

[Two days later]

The seeker didn't appear. He also didn't respond to the calls of his leader. Megatron made a mental note to shoot him into the stratosphere. Or even further. Much, much further. Maybe till the end of the universe. But wait – did the universe have an end?

He was distracted by a high pitched scream – again. He looked down. There was the source of the screaming: A squishy-femme. He had found it yesterday. He had already forgotten its designation. But his astonishment was great when he found out, that the creature didn't fear him – like the zebras ... those stupid, fucking zebras!

Instead the squishy had actually looked for him. Because it was a fangirl, it said. His fangirl. He would boast with that in front of Starscream, that was for sure. The traitor certainly didn't have something like that! ... When the fucking piece of useless scrap would show up, that means! Maybe the squishy would also stop screaming until then ...

[One week later]

No trace of the seeker. Megatron was convinced that the stratosphere was far too beautiful for him. He changed his mental note to 'kick into a black hole'. Fucking fuck!

The squishy was still there. The screaming had stopped indeed. Instead it continued with a high pitched squeak. It should get its vocaliser checked, that was for sure. Something had to be wrong with that one.

[Two weeks later]

By the aft of the Allspark, where was that damned seeker?!

[Nine months later]

There was still no seeker in sight. Double fucking fuck!

The fleshy had started to leak in the morning. There was something wrong, obviously. Maybe she should go and get checked by the TÜV ... The screaming had also begun again. He decided to get disposed of it before it soiled everything. What a low, degenerated species! And how this squishy drove his processors crazy!

Where the fuck was the plate-burned, coolant-sniffing traitor?!

[Three hours later]

A monstrosity.

A crime to the – although underdeveloped – nature.

And he wasn't innocent, as it seemed ... even if he would deny it by the ashes of Cybertron!

The squishy was nomore. But it was not Megatron who ended its pathetic existance, much to his displeasure. That had ... well ... he? ... she? ... it done?! He wasn't sure about it ... Oh, it was just a fucking monstrosity! And the worst part was that it was his monstrosity! He decided to call it 'extremely take-out-worthy'. For a second he asked himself if 'take-out-worthy' even was a word. Then he decided that he could use the words of this disgusting fleshy-language as he liked to! Yes! Furthermore he doubted that a word for a creature like _that_ already existed. No matter which language we're talking about.

He was about to charge his guns to sweep this thing away from the earths surface as the zebras around him paniked. Shortly after he heared jet engines.

[Somewhere else ...]

Everything went wrong – again. But how should it have been different? It was a plan of the oh-so-high Lord Megatron after all! Now the situation was worse than ever before. The Fallen was junk, Optimus Prime was far too jolly – and to make matters worse Megatron had not croaked from his injuries. Even Starscreams still aching servo couldn't excel the last fact.

Now this laughing stock of a leader was sitting anywhere in Africa, waiting for him. He had been waiting nearly ten months now. Now Starscream decided to show mercy and answer Megatrons proper desperate tries to contact him. Not least because his spam-filter couldn't deal with the wall of messages anymore.

After some – very comfy – hours of flight he finally reached Africa and the location of his self-appointed leader. Comfy like he had come to the continent he touched down and waited for the ungrateful piece of scrap in leading position to call him names as usual – but nothing happened.

Megatron was distracted by something else. He asked himself why of all things his SiC showed up _now _when there was _no_ use for him! His optics moved from him to 'extremely take-out-worthy' and back again. Starscream followed his glance – and didn't believe his eyes.

There was a squishy-femme, lying in her red energon, that the fleshlings called blood. But that wasn't what suprised Starscream – if it wasn't for the rest of the scenery.

Megatron was standing above her and stared at his SiC with wide optics. But the thing that shocked Starscream rested between the dead squishy's red-blurred legs. An abysmally ugly creature, so disgusting that Starscream could imagine that the moon already dissociated itself from earth – with growing speed. But before he could calculate, if something like that was really possible and if so, which consequences it could mean for the planet, he was distracted by Megatron. That is to say the leader had come to a decision: Who was to blame for the Decepticons meeting their Waterloo at Mission City and Egypt? Definitely Starscream! Who was responsible for the disappearance of the cat? Certainly Starscream! Whose fault was it that he was sitting in this fucking desert for months now? The answer was 'Starscream'! And who was therefor to blame for the existance of 'extremely take-out-worthy'? Simply Starscream! Who had accomplished what he hadn't gained within the last months – to scare the shit out of those stupid zebras? _Starscream_! So it was his task to take care of that _thing_! After all it was _all_ his fault!

„Take it away!", he ordered.

His SiC was so taken by suprise that he not even complained. He just stared at the other mech. „Take ... it away?"

Yes, he should take it away. Best before the able-to-flying idiot got what 'extremely take-out-worthy' really was. Otherwise Megatron could forget his position als leader of the Decepticons ... for good and all! With this shame, that would stuck to him like antimatter, no one would accept him anymore! Starscream would use this information to his favor – he would spread it, rub it in, transfer it to the Autobots and sell it to the New York Times!

But his SiC didn't move, so he was forced to continue with a harsh „At once!".

Everything within the seeker resisted against this simple command. How in the fucking pit could something like this thing exist?! It was far beyond ugly, far beyond ... everything like that! With a disgustedly expression on his faceplates he approached the creature. He had to admit that his scientistic nature arose for a moment and he asked himself how something so abhorrent could come into existence. Squishies were ugly, that was for sure, but that they could produce such monstrosities was new to Starscream.

Under the pestering glances of Megatron he finally reached out a servo to grab the thing. As his claws got near the creature it tried to bite him – only to find out that this wasn't a good idea. Finally Starscream lifted the – obviously not that bright – being off the ground. It looked at him with big eyes.

Yes, it was absolutely ugly, but why did it seem like ... yes, like the existence of this creature would insult Megatron himself? To be exactly: The question was, why Megatron was insulted _now_. The squishies already were an insult for the existance of every Cybertronian – and he never reacted to _them_ like that! Something was wrong here.

„Daddytwat!"

Silence.

Complete silence.

Starscreams optics went from the thing to his leader and back again. Seriously ...?

First he smirked, then he burst into laughter. This piece of rotten flesh was the offspring of there oh-so-great leader?! Oh, if this information pierced the ranks! By the time the Autobots got to know it, Starscreams leadership couldn't be stopped anymore! Probably the 'bots would even help him to get rid of this insult to their race aka Megatron!

He tought of the most beautiful plans when he suddenly was grabbed by the neck. Right afterwards he found himself pinned to the ground, the energonlines between torso and processor were branched off. The disgusting creature was still in his claws.

Although Megatrons energon felt like back then when he crash-landed in the Arctic he had reacted with great presence of mind. Now he had to intimidate this piece of space-scrap. That was the only way he had left. He could just hope that this would work – otherwise he would have to accept new candidatures for the position of the SiC.

„If you ever lose a single word about this, you will be offlined – permanent. Understood?"

„Y ... yes, Lo... rd Meg...a...tron."

The grip loosened, the energon ran back into his vains. Without hesitation the seeker disappeared. Okay, so much for the glorious plan. He would have to find another way to overthrow Megatron. But first there was the question how he should get rid of the monstrosity. Black hole? No, to rare. Supernova? None in sight. Toilet? Nope, to small.

Then an idea came to his mind. An idea that revived his dreams of Decepticon-leadership. Megatron told him to 'take the thing away', right? He never said that Starscream should kill it.

He smirked as he landed in an afield part of a forest. There he threw the creature to the ground.

„So, and now you have to grow big and strong – and you should especially try not to be so ugly anymore. If you have reached the goal, call this number. Bear it in mind!", the seeker told the thing while he scratched numbers into the mud. He just hoped that the monstrosity understood what he said. Starscream waited while the creature looked at the numbers. Then its glance moved to the big, bad, flying alienrobot.

„Phone home?"

„Yes, that's it!" Starscream acknowledged.

Some time past while the thing seemed to think. „Well ... okay!", it finally spoke.

With that the conversation was finished and the seeker disappeared into the dark sky. A smirk crossed his faceplates while Megatron told at him via commlink that he should by all means not scare the zebras this time ...


	2. Conspiracy Theories

**Conspiracy Theories**

[From now on the story takes place after Transformers – Dark Of The Moon]

The screens on the command bridge threw dulled light into the room and made Soundwave look ... well ... more mysterious than he already did.

Without moving a single of his faceplates the CO watched the tube in front of him. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nobody could tell if Soundwave was bored. He looked like he always did. Maybe he was even bored all the time?

The pictures went on after a while. He could see the bases' quarters now – and his comrades. Megatron was sitting in front of a flipchart und drawing arrows, shortcuts and trees onto it. He was likely thinking about a new plan. Well, this was actually what the CO thought. A quick analysis of the stuff shown in the flipchart told Soundwave that the success rate was at 1,72%. Well, maybe the boss just enjoyed drawing.

Barricade was running after one of those organic creatures he had brought to base – through Starscreams quarter. Said mech was obviously at the end of his tether right at that moment because he just shoot the creature to pieces. His comrade apparently wasn't happy about that and threw himself at the SiC and started punshing him until he was thrown into the wall.

Scorponok was – like always – running around in circles und chased his own tail – until it fell off with noise. But the said mech didn't mind that one, he just went on with chasing the spot where his tail should have been.

Brawl was switching through several Youtube-channels until he stopped. Soundwave didn't know what he was watching but he denied himself to ask Google what 'Two Girls, One Cup' actually was. Speaking about Brawl he surely didn't want to know.

Shockwave was coming out of his quarters right now, a sadistic smile on his faceplates – which reminded Soundwave that he hadn't seen Frenzy for three days now ...

Bonecrusher was changing his summer tires to snow tires while Thundercracker and Blackout – even if seeker and Pave Low didn't like each other normally – were playing Battleships with Skywarp. But the black and violet mech wasn't playing, he was the target ... Well, Thundercracker and Blackout seemed to be agree in that matter.

All in all everything was normal.

Normal ...

His processors went back to last view months. If it wasn't for Skywarps boredom they all wouldn't be here. Even Soundwave couldn't put it any better: They were fucked. Not only demolished, offlined, but also displaced by the Autobots and put into random garages on military bases. Obviously they had noticed that some trench wasn't such a bright idea. This time they had tried it with stern observation. Well, they hadn't thought about Skywarps ability to teleport. It was namely him who had – thanks to his said ability – freed them all from the hands of N.E.S.T. Afterwards he had stole the Matrix from Optimus Prime while he was in recharge – what made everybody ask themselfs why they hadn't used his ability for something like that far earlier ...

But well, the thought came to late, no matter what. Anyway they all had passed one not so beautiful healing process. Starscream was still mixing Aspirin into his Energon so that he could stand the constant headache. Sometimes he was even so generous and stuffed one into Scorponoks lines when Blackout was just asking for it the right way. Frenzy sharing the same fate ... Soundwave just asked himself why their heads where such popular targets ... it accrued that the scorpion-like mech also loost his tail now and then.

Shockwave on the other hand had an always aching vocal processor – but compared to Starscreams consumption of Aspirin they had noticed that it wasn't as good to fill cough sirup into the lines. It just gummed them up before they lead to ... well, let's say it lead to some not-so-nice secondary effects. Others, like Megatron, were obviously suffering from some permanent processor-damage. Besides Brawl and Bonecrusher, those two weren't any different than before.

Furthermore their leader had to fight something different: his image. Three totally-fucked-up-anti-Autobots-actions weren't healthy for that one. Megatrons' SiC was showing his disrespect as it was the most normal thing to do even if he got still hit for that. Brawl was just hating everything even more than before. Bonecrusher really didn't care a fuck about anything now, and yes, even Blackout seemed to question their leadership! That nobody overthrew Megatron was just a matter of the Decepticons not knowing who should be next – and the fear that this 'who' could be Starscream.

An incoming signal made Soundwave end his running processes. A short checkup and he know that it was coming from Canada. Whatever ... he just answered it, it wasn't as if he had something better to do right now.

„Order: Identify", his monotone voice echoed throught the line.

There was just hissing at first. Then he could here something.

„ ... hone ... me."

Soundwave couldn't find a code like that within the systems.

„Identification: failed. New order: Identify again."

„ ... phone home ..."

Nope, there was no hit again. Soundwave repeated his order.

„Extremely take-out-worthy phoning home!", it came from the other end of the line.

Again there was no confirmity. Again the same answer from the Decepticon CO. First it seemed as if the person had hung up. Everything was quite – until ...

„Daddytwat!"

Nope, no confirmity. Again.

[Two hours later]

It was enough.

Soundwave remained silent for a moment and didn't react to the repeating words comping from the other end of the line. As a irritated „Still there?!" could be heared, he started to play a tape. He had recorded it for he thought it could be helpfull. At least the squishies went crazy wenn they heared that stuff – even if Soundwave had no clue if it was a squishy or something else that was hanging on the other end of the line.

„Hello and welcome to Deutsche Telekom! Unfortunately there are no free lines at the moment. Please be patient, the next free line is already reserved for you."

And it worked. Well, it took at least about 40 minutes until that but afterwards, he could hear a snotty „Fuck you!" before the line was cut. Tranquilized Soundwave leaned back in his commandchair. Wow, this had been quite an act. His gaze wandered over the screen again, seeing that his comrades were still arguing, playing, drawing or whatever they had already done before. So nothing stipped him to reveal a little bag from underneath his armor. He looked at the contents. Fuck, soon he would need more. But how was he supposed to remain calm and logical with this bunch of idiots surrounding him?! Sighing he opened the cover of his energontank, opened the bag and poured the weed into the live-giving fluid. Soon he noticed its effect. Much better.

Now that he was thinking about it, he thought it was kind a good idea to tell Megatron what had happened within the communication link. Maybe the one who called was a spy, terrorist or something else? Plus Megatron had ordered to be told about every single action going on – if he was paranoid or just bored, Soundwave couldn't tell. So he went to his feet and started moving to the location, where his boss was currently drawing on a whiteborad.

As he left the comand bridge, he suddenly heared heavy footsteps, closing in fast. Shortly after he could here the yelling.

„I will rip out every single of your energon lines, you disgusting retard!" Okay, that one was Starscream.

„That's all your fault! YOU shot my pet!" And there we have Barricade.

„That does fuckin' not allow you to shit into my quarters!

The last sentence wasn't even finished when Soundwave heared the first explosion.

„You're right – next time I will shit right into your ugly face!"

A sound of pain followed before engines could be heared. A moment later Barricade rushed around the corner and past Soundwave. The CO thought a moment about telling the Mustang that he was making a great mistake. But right then a really pissed Starscream dashed around the corner und followed him – into a dead end. Suddenly the police cruiser wasn't so selfconfident anymore.

„Hey, Starscream, old buddy! Listen, this ... this wasn't my intention, you know? I tried this stuff called E10 and somehow it wasn't actually good for me ... could you please take your nullray out of my face ...? Hey, what are you doin'?! Come on, this was just some energon-drop-off ... NO!"

At that point Soundwave decided to leave. Whatever the seeker was doing to Barricade, he didn't want to get involved in it. He had soon learned that it was no good idea to mess up with Starscream – especially when he was pissed.

Finally he arrived at the door to Megatrons current location. He knocked against it and waited for any reaction.

„What is it?", he soon heared. „Who is there?"

„Answer: Soundwave."

Suddenly the door flew open. „Oh, it's just you ... what's up?"

„Report."

„Fine. You are allowed to talk."

„Permission accepted. 2 hours, 56 minutes and 28 seconds ago a signal arrived. Demand of identification was sent. Specified data non-existend within our systems."

„So?", Megatron answered while raising an metallic eyebrow. „And you're sure that this wasn't some teleshopping stuff again?"

„Positiv."

„Well ... what did the caller say when you demanded him to identify?"

„Answer: Designantion would be 'Extremely take-out-worthy'."

Megatrons faceplates seemed to go pale – how this should work he himself didn't even know. He just did it.

„Primus!", he gasped. „It has found ... me. But how ... ? It should be dead!"

„Question: Who?"

The gear-wheels within Megatrons abused head worked quickly enough to grap Soundwave by one servo and shove him into his quarters before he slammed the door shut. His CO remained silent afterwards, but looked at his leader kinda ... oh, forgot, he couldn't look anyhow but like always.

But still Megatron thought that the look of his CO was kinda asking. Suddenly he remembered what Soundwave could do: The mech sometimes used telepathy. If he didn't answer him anytime soon he was sure that the CO would use his abilities to get answers. That was because you couldn't even tell _when_ he used them – so couldn't blame him for doing so aftwards either, because you couldn't say if he did it or not. So he was praying to Primus while he began quickly to look for an answer.

„It's them, Soundwave! Them!"

The other Decepticon cocked his head. „Negative. There was just one being at the phone."

„Well ... yes ... yes! That's just one being of many! I have ... you know ... made an very dubious acquaintance. That was when ... yeah, when I was in Africa! When I was waiting for Starscream and the piece of scrap didn't show up and I swore myself to kick him into a black hole and ..." He was thinking hard. How should the story go on? Then he found something that sounded like a good idea.

„I was sick, Soundwave! Yeah, don't look at me like that, even if you're always looking that way! I was forced to make a deal that I would have never made if it wasn't for the circumstances ... with ..."

An awkward silcence followed until he found something to end his little story.

„ ... the Illuminati of all big corporations: the Deutsche Bahn!"

Everything went silent again. It seemed as if Soundwave had to process the data just given to him. Megatron started to relax, he seemed to have shocked his CO ... as suddenly, said mech – monotone like always – said: „Story illogical. Deutsche Bahn operates in Germany, not Africa."

Oh fuck ...

„That's just camouflage!", he told the other one quickly. „They are there, Soundwave, I have seen it with my very own optics! And they are looking for us. They are interested in our technology! Or they want to destroy us by infecting us with the chronic-coming-late-virus!", he added with faked concern. „And that's why I will give you something to do now. Listen carefully: I want you to do whatever you can to find the Deutsche Bahn in Africa! We have to find them, no matter what the price is! You understand?"

After short hesitation a „Affirmative, Lord Megatron", could be heared.

„Good, very good! Start working on it right away. And don't tell anybody about it, you hear me? We shouldn't ... well ... worry the others! Yeah, right, because that could cause panik."

Afterwards Magetron shoved Soundwave out of the door. „I trust you, Soundwave!", the leader told his CO again before he closed his door again. Finally there remained a Megatron that was wishing for Starscream to catch the iron-pest and a Decepticons who would spend his next three weeks with looking for the Deutsche Bahn in Africa ...

[Fin]

Hi everybody!

Thanks for reading "Transformers - The Art Of Crack" so far. We hope you could enjoy it at least a bit and laugh here and there. If you find any grammar- or vocabulary-mistakes feel free to tell us about it! As we've already said English isn't our native language (that one would be German).

If you liked the 'fic so far we would be happy if you told us in a comment!

A little explanation because we do not know how familiar everybody is with the german company of Deutsche Bahn:

We had to put it into this fanfiction because ... well, let's put it like this: If you travel with trains in Germany be prepared to wait shit-long for a train to arrive, be prepared to wait even longer to get to your destination and try not to freak out. We just had to pull Deutsche Bahn's leg, you know ... getting revenge for spending about 7 hours to get from one city to another (with an estimated travel-time of 4 to 5 hours, and that not only once!) was reason enough.

Thank you for reading - hope to see you in the next chapter!


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